Snapped

Well since I have a reputation for being WAY too overly honest on my blog, I thought I might as well keep it up and keep y'all entertained...  To all my friends who are reading this, I'm not going to lie to you. I have snapped, and not in a good way.  Just as a rubber band snaps when stretched too far, I have mentally snapped after being stretched way, way too far this semester. And when I say snapped, it's not like "losing your patience with a child" snapped but rather "I'm  not sure of what I believe in anymore" snapped.

I want to begin with a disclaimer:  I know my life is wonderful. From the outside looking in, it looks to be picture perfect. How could anything be wrong?  I am living the life that millions long for, yet I cannot for the life of me be happy.  I believe this is my character flaw though - learning to be happy in this life.  Everyone has seen a huge change in me in the last few years and it has gotten to a point where I am being advised daily to seek help to improve my attitude towards life.  I hate hearing this so incredibly, flippin' much.  I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling like I'm mentally unstable.  I hate seeking and accepting help because I'm independent.  And above all else, I hate putting Matt through this.  Remarkably, he hasn't left me yet. And he won't leave me, even though I've pushed him away every single day of our relationship, because he truly loves me and can see the Shanette that once existed.  NO other man would have stayed with me through all this crap and I am so grateful that God gave me him at this time when I needed a true and loyal friend the most.

There's just been too much on my mind lately. I'm constantly worrying about my future, such as if I will get a job after graduating from BYU, if I'll get accepted into the UT Public Health Masters program and what I will do if I don't.  I'm stressed about getting married and all the stupid and ridiculous Mormon pressures that come along with it. Warning to ALL - don't be surprised if Matt and I don't have the typical Mormon wedding. Truthfully, I just don't want it. And truthfully, some days I wonder if this is really the right thing for me.  If it was the right thing, when why are all these problems hitting me at the exact same time, to a point where I just  couldn't handle it anymore and snapped?  Why are things falling apart right before my eyes and I'm helpless to stop it?  Am I really meant to marry Matt?  Are these problems a sign that I'm not supposed to marry him or are they just trials to make Matt and I stronger together?  These are but a few of the gazillions of questions racing through my mind every single day... and I just can't handle it anymore. I need a break.

Today on Facebook, a friend posted something that helped me out though with some of my questions.  It was a post about how love and relationships follow the exact same cycle: in the beginning you fall in love with your partner and cannot get enough of them. As time goes on though, all the things that you "loved" now begin to annoy you and the euphoria of love begins to fade away.  This is usually the point where people ask, "Am I with the right person?".  Well, maybe the key to a relationship isn't finding the right person... maybe it's learning to love the person you found.

I took a marriage prep class last semester where the overall theme of the class was to point out that you can have a happy and successful marriage with anyone, its just going to take some more time and effort with some people more than others.  I use to believe in soul-mates, but now that idea makes me laugh. I believe there are many "a" right choices, but when you marry someone, they become "the" right choice.  I would like to believe that Matt is "the" right choice for me and maybe the fact that he is staying with me through my "snapping" is an answer to some my questions. Life is just super frustrating right now and I feel incredibly overwhelmed.

Sorry to go on a stupid rant yet again, but it does help just writing crap like this down.  I don't write this to worry anyone (no, I am not suicidal or anything like that...), I just have a hard time being happy and seeing the positive side of life.  Pretty darn sure I'm actually the human form of Grumpy Cat.  I hope though that the help that I have sought will help me return back to my normal self and give Matt the Shanette that he deserves.  I just tell him that "if a man can't handle me at my worst, he sure as hell doesn't deserve me at my best". Well put Marilyn, well put.

So to end, I may not know what all  I believe in anymore, but I do know that I believe in love and the power of unconditional love in healing a soul. I'm so grateful for Matt and his unconditional love. A word to the wise: "Choose your love; love your choice".

Little Things

Last night as I was walking back to my apartment from my Pilates class, I had my earphones in blasting "Radioactive" and thinking about what I was going to eat for a snack when I looked up to the sky and froze in place.  For the first time in months I actually saw stars in the sky.  These huge burning balls of gas millions of miles away looked like little glittering diamonds beautifully placed on a navy blue canvas from where I stood.  I wish I could tell you exactly how much that sight meant to me.  I wish I could find the words that would do justice as to how full of gratitude my heart was for just the few minutes I had to soak in that beautiful night sky. I wish I could see that every night, like I use to back home...

Blaise Pascal said "Little things console us because little things afflict us."  To many people, the cold, snow, and winter weather in general do not have any effect on their lives.  In fact, many people actually love it.  I am not one of these people. In fact, I am the furthest thing away from these type people. Snow might be a consoling "little thing" to others, but to this girl, it a very afflicting "little thing".  This winter has been very difficult for me and I don't think there is anything that depresses me more than a snow cloud covered sky and the earth turning white before my eyes.  It literally makes me cry when its snows, and no, they're not tears of happiness...

Today was a miracle.  Today it was sunny with a crystal clear blue sky and 40 degrees.  What a blessing the blue sky is! What a blessing sunshine is!  To others, this might be the smallest and most minor detail of their busy day, but to this girl, it completely made her day.  I saw many miracles today - I found a bridesmaid dress in the size I've desperately been searching for, volunteered at the nursing home and met a man who has been married to his sweetheart for 63 years, and had my very first Valentine's Day date-night with my very own sweetheart.  Overall, it was one of the better days I've had in Provo.  But none of these miracles compare to the miracle of a warm, sunny day with a clear blue sky after a month and a half of snow and dreary winter weather. It's so sad how we take things for granted until they disappear.

Wanna know what I dream about at night?  Laying in a huge open field, under the beautiful Texas summer night sky and gazing at the stars with Matt at my side.  Yep, sounds like paradise to me. Just take a minute and look at the stars and for every star you count, give one "little thing" you are grateful for.

On Being Engaged...

Well guess who's back in Provo, Utah and hating life once again???  Yep, this girl. And once again, I returned by myself, leaving my fiancee back home in Dallas.  Not going to lie to y'all, saying goodbye after 3 weeks of Christmas break was THE most difficult goodbye I've ever had to say. I don't think I've ever cried that much over a single word in my entire life... Needless to say, it was horrible and very emotionally tolling.

I hate having a long-distance engagement. I honestly don't know how people do it and I have the greatest respect for military wives. This morning I was procrastinating doing my 400 level Virology homework and stumbled across a blog of a Mormon girl who wrote about how crappy her engagement was.  As ironic as this sounds, it was exactly what I needed to read and is what inspired this post.  Disclaimer:  I do not write this to be disrespectful in any way and yes, I do love my fiancee with all my heart.  So buckle up kids for what is probably my most depressing post ever...

Why Being Engaged Sucks

1.)  Long-Distance.  Let's start off with the obvious shall we?  My fiancee and I live in two different states, separated by exactly 1,198.2 miles - roughly 1,200 miles.  This means that we barely get to see each other.  Let's be honest here - engaged couples are those super annoying people that have to be touching constantly and somehow manage to block out the rest of the world when showing Public Displays of Affection (which is ALL the time!).  I'm as guilty as charged, but so far out of my entire engagement, I've had only 4 weeks to do that with Matt. Call me crazy, but sometimes I feel as if I'm not having a real engagement. Who knows, maybe I'm just jealous.  But it sucks being engaged at BYU without your fiancee. I swear, those couples pop out of the snow like daisies... They're everywhere!

2.)  School.  If there is ANYTHING I've learned while getting my Bachelor's degree, it's that I loathe school. More than anything.  The stress of homework, quizzes, midterms and finals just does me in completely and knocks me to the ground every day.  I'm not happy while I'm at school and planning-a-wedding stress on top of school stress, well let's just say some mornings it's a miracle I actually climb out of bed.  Matt and I's entire engagement is unfortunately over a school year and no, it has not been a fun experience. This is my most difficult school year of my undergrad - I just keep telling myself that if I can make it through this, I can make it through anything. 

3.)  A long engagement time.  OK so this one was my fault completely.  Matt and I got engaged at the tail end of September and our wedding is in June.  I'll do the math for you - 8 MONTHS.  Yes my friends, a Mormon engagement that is 8 months long - that's unheard of! But here's my reasoning:  I wanted to date the man I was going to marry for at least a year, and for us, that was June. Also, I was raised on the movie Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and in it there is a scene where the girls are in their underwear and sing the song that says "they say when you marry in June, you're a bride all your life".  Haha, ya, ever since being a little girl, I've always wanted to get married in June because of that movie.  Unfortunately, I did not foresee the engagement being this difficult, at least for me.  I should've married Matt in December - it would have been a million times better.  If you ask me in a year, I'll probably say our engagement was 8 months too long.

4.) Winter.  So I have self-diagnosed myself as being the horrible victim of SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder.  It's also more commonly known as winter depression syndrome.  I have never liked the cold. Ever. And snow is pretty much my worst nightmare (next to organic chemistry). I swear, if there is even one snowflake in heaven, I'm choosing hell because at least I'll be warm.  This winter in Provo has been the coldest yet. There has been more snow than I've ever seen with temperatures in the teens for the last two weeks. It's miserable walking to class - freezing even though you're wearing literally 5 layers, slipping on ice, getting your jeans wet from snow and then having to peel off every layer when you get to class and trying to shove everything under your desk and make it fit. Not fun my friends, but very entertaining to watch someone else struggle with.  These are the deadest, ugliest months of the year and somehow it's making the engagement just drag on.  I'm convinced that if I were to be engaged over the summer, it would have floated by like a dream.

5.) Not living with my fiancee.  I'm just going to put it out there - I'm incredibly jealous of the couples that live together while being engaged. I can only imagine how much happier I would be if I got to go home to Matt every night and be comforted while being in his arms.  It's not fun trying to work around 2 hectic schedules, but that's why this reason leads to...

6.) Sexual tension.  Can you feel it???  'Cause I can!  Us Mormons, being the very "unique" people we are, do not have any sexual relations before getting married.  Regardless of my own personal beliefs in this, I have chosen to stay sexually clean until we are married, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't suck!  This is horrible!  Ya, i'm sorry Mom if you are reading this but it's true.  All I study is biology and sex is a normal human function.  Humans crave it and I'm 100% human.  Don't worry though Mom, if I really wanted to do it then I would have already done it. Only 5 months to go - joy. 

Of all the people I have talked too about being engaged and getting married, about 95% of them have said that the engagement is the worst part.  100% of them said though that it will be unimaginably better once Matt and I are married.  I want you all to know that I do love Matt with all my heart and I cannot wait to marry him.  This is not an easy time in my life and I am genuinely looking forward to the ending of this chapter.  Marriage will be a fun adventure - I just pray I can make it till then.

Even though it took me a very long time to make the decision, I've never been so sure of anything in my life. I have no doubts that marrying Matt Billings is the right thing for me to do. When I think of the future, I feel joy, peace, and overwhelming calmness and assurance.  I am so excited for June 14th, 2013 when I finally get to marry and be sealed to my best friend for all time and eternity.

My Christmas Wish

Can you believe it's already Christmas time?!? Where has 2012 gone? I hope I'm not the only one that has is baffled by this phenomenon...  but I am very grateful how quickly time has passed and for this time of year.  I honestly love the Christmas season and the things associated with it - lights, trees, presents, Santa, nativities, and my personal favorite, Karen Carpenter carols on the radio! I absolutely love this time of year, especially when there is no snow, and can't wait to spend it away from college and with my family in the place where I belong - Texas!

A commonly asked question I get this time of year is "So what do you want for Christmas, Shanette?"  When I was five, my answer was barbies and a pony.  When I was in high school, it was an ipod and laptop.  This year, well my friends, this year my wish list consists of something very simple yet very valuable - time.  All I want for Christmas this year is peoples' time.  If only we could put time on a card, kinda like how we put money on a giftcard, and then we spend it when we want to spend time with that particular person who gave it to us - isn't that an awesome idea? 

To me, the best way you can tell me that you love me is by giving me your time.  I am a firm believer in the phrase "love" is spelled t-i-m-e.  Time is the most valuable gift someone could ever give me.  It's amazing how we all are given the exact same amount of time, 24 hours a day, yet we each spend it in a different way.  Right now, majority of my time is on school - going to class, studying, reading, taking tests, and stressing over grades - and I know that I could be wasting my time on other things like games and TV but I would much rather be spending my time with the people I love.  In all honestly, there's not that much time in a day and how we spend that limited amount of time says alot about us.  How are you going to spend your time this Christmas season? Will it be on that new game, phone, or computer you got or will it be with the people you love and building those relationships that no amount of money can buy?  If you do anything of worth this Christmas season, give your time to your family.  Give your time to the lonely.  Give your time to those in need and not just your money.  Money will quickly run out, but the impression of your time and love will last for eternity.  So if you're wondering what Shanette is just dying for this Christmas season, it's simply your time. 

 Merry Christmas everyone - remember He is the reason for the season! 

An Attitude of Gratitude

It's the beginning of the end of another year of life and I look back and think of all the amazing things that have happened to me within the last 11 months - I got a half tuition scholarship from the BYU Life Sciences college, fell in complete love over the summer, turned the perfect age of 21, was proposed to on my 21st birthday, and  am now planning the southern wedding of my dreams for next June.  Can life get any better?

I don't mean to brag and say that I have a better life than you, but instead I want to say that I really do have A LOT to be grateful for.  Many of my friends are doing a "30 Days of Thanksgiving" challenge on Facebook where they post something that they are grateful for each day.  I love this idea and I love reading all the different, and sometimes unique, things people are grateful for everyday, but instead of me joining the bandwagon this year, I want to just write about one thing in particular that I'm grateful for - love.

Typically when one hears the word "love" it is usually used in a romantic context.  I feel like many people forget that there are countless different types of love though in addition to just romantic, such as friendship love, parental love, sibling love, puppy love, etc. that people feel everyday but take for granted and overlook.   I just want to express how grateful I am for all the different forms of love I have in my life.  I'm grateful for the parental love that my wonderful parents freely give me each and everyday.  They have been so kind to me and they have truly given me wings to fly.  I would be nothing without them and am so grateful for the example they have set for me all these years and especially grateful that they never fought in front of me. They support me 100% in all my decisions and have never told me what to be or what to do with my life, but rather to do my best and choose what will make me happy. I honestly have the best parents a girl could ask for.  I'm grateful for the singling love that I receive from my brothers and sisters.  My childhood was completed by them and I can't express how much joy they have given me. It is so wonderful to know that you have automatic "built-in" friends that have you back no matter what, even when all your other friends walk out on you.  Matthew, Ryan, Brenton and Melissa, y'all are the best! :)

I'm grateful for this new romantic love I have.  Friends, I cannot convey in words how much I love Matt Billings, but I hope you just get a inkling of an idea from this post.  I am the luckiest girl - I have found a man who loves me for being me. I have found a man who knows the good, the bad, and the ugly sides of me and still wants me.  I have found a man who respects me, cares for me, has the same morals as me and same goals as I do.  I have found a man who would die to make me happy.  I have found my missing puzzle piece, my better half, my best friend.  I am SO grateful for this man... I wish you could understand! He is by no means perfect but he is perfect for me.  I've dated my fair share of "men" in the past and the more men I met, the more I loved my dog. I honestly didn't think that there was a man out there for me, but he was right in my own backyard the entire time!  I know this man better than anyone else and I can honestly say that the more I talk to him and the longer I am with him, the more I fall in love with him.  I have been blessed with the opportunity to get married at a young age to a handsome, fit, loyal man and I can't think of no other way God could be any kinder to me.  I am so blessed and I am so happy.  Matt Billings, you are my world. I love you with all my heart and we will have a marriage and love that people will look to and admire.  I am so excited to spend the rest of my existence sealed to you.

Finally and most importantly, I am grateful for the love that my Heavenly Father gives me.  Everything I am and everything I have done has been by the grace of Him.  I think my love for Matt is unfathomable, but just imagine the love Heavenly Father has for you and me.  Everything I have is from Him and I know I can never pay Him back even a fraction of all he has given me but I can be obedient and serve others and make the world a better place to show my love to Him.

I'm grateful for love and the power it has.  It's softened this girls heart and I believe that if we all showed  just a little bit more love for one another, then miracles would be seen every day. Have a Happy Thanksgiving y'all!

Simply Amazing

Amazing : (adj.) causing wonder or astonishment;  inspiring awe or admiration or wonder. 

How amazing do you think it would be if every person was told they were amazing every day?  Think of the huge difference that would make in the world - there would be less eating disorders, less abuse, less harsh words spoken and more love shared.  I'm defiantly not an English major in any way and can hardly even speak the dang language, but I do believe in the power of words and the great, or harmful, effect they can have.

In high school, I was blessed with the opportunity to work with one of the most amazing and influential people I've ever met.  This woman has changed my life and gives me hope in myself and my future.  She has always been there for me - listened to me complain, seen me cry, and has shared countless laughs with me.  This wonderful person is no other than the incredible Mrs. Sonja Bill, and if you are lucky enough to know her, then God has given you one of the best blessings He could offer.

Tonight I was blessed with the opportunity to have a lovely chat with my dear friend Sonja on the phone.  I told her all the stupid things that were clouding my mind, like how school is pushing me to the point of insanity and how stressful relationships can be, and you know what she said?  Instead of telling me to suck it up because I was the one who chose all this and I shouldn't be complaining, she told me that I was amazing.  She told me that I don't give myself enough credit.  She told me that she knows the reasons why Matt fell in love with me. She told me to just take a breath.  She told me that if I would take a step back and look at myself and everything I am doing then I might have a little more confidence in and lenience for myself.

Well dang, that certainly got the waterworks a goin'. (Sonja, you couldn't hear it, but I was crying on the phone haha)

I'm not a smart person and I've had to work really hard on my education because of it.  I beat myself up when I don't get good enough grades. I lose my confidence when a subject challenges me. And right now, I'm not sure if I will even be able to get into PA school, but I do know that there is a friend who thinks I'm amazing.  I needed to hear those words tonight and I need to start saying those words to someone every day.  It's true - "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be?"

I know there are angels on the earth. Sonja is truly one of my dearest friends and I am so grateful for my friendship with her.  I know this post probably embarrassed her but I want the world to get just a small taste of how amazing she is.  Love you Sonja.

A Change of Heart

Now that I've caught my breathe, here's the condensed version of what's happened to Shanette in just the last few weeks:  on September 29, 2012 (the day I turned 21), my boyfriend flew up to Provo, surprised me in my apartment with 2 dozen roses, and then proposed to me - one knee on the ground - with a stunning 1.25 carat diamond ring in the middle of a cornfield at a fall carnival. I still can't believe that I am now engaged to a man who had never even once crossed my mind as a potential husband. Oh the ironies of life... I never believed the people who told me that love would find me when I least expected it and with the least likely person until it actually happened to me. Now I'm living proof of it.

Where he proposed...

Ok, so of course I have mixed feelings about this.  Yes, I love this man more than anything, and yes this is something that I've always dreamed about but never thought possible, and yes I've turned into one of those couples that I hate but you know what?  I'm happy.  Like genuinely happy.  I am so so blessed and God is too good to me - I do not deserve Matt in any way and I know that there are 999 other girls out there that could make him a million times happier than I ever can or ever will, yet he loves me with all his heart and even wants to marry me... I am honestly the luckiest girl in the world. However, I keep wondering if I am really ready for this big step.  Shanette, you will be sealed to ONE man for the rest of eternity............ is this really what you want?

When the engagement became public, many of my friends brought to my attention the vows I had previously made about NEVER getting married. Haha, ya that kinda came back and bit me in the butt.  So to each of you that I have said this to and are reading this post, here is my simple answer: I've had a change of heart.  Pre-Matt, I had no commitment to any man and so I just floated from guy to guy, moving on when I got bored. I was happy being single with no commitments and LOVED the idea of doing whatever I wanted with my life just because I could. I loved not have anything or anyone tying me down.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that Matt is tying me down in any way, but since I started dating him, I've had a complete change in opinion about marriage.  Maybe marriage really isn't that bad of a thing, if you you've found the right guy. I guess I was so anti-marriage because of the countless examples of bad marriages I have seen.  I guess I didn't believe there was such a thing as a happy marriage... until I found Matt. Now I believe that I can have a happy and successful marriage.  Our relationship is in no way perfect and I swear, every night we each tick each other off more than anyone else ever could, but neither one of us has broken it off even though there has been ample opportunities to.  I'm curious as to where this could go.  I'm scared to death and don't think I'll make a great wife but I'm going to give it all I got and pray it's enough to keep him in love with me. 

Having a 1200 mile long-distance relationship is one of the most difficult trials I've ever had, but it's also been the most rewarding gift I've ever been given.  "So it's not going to be easy.  It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you.  I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me...everyday."  I couldn't have said it better myself.  Matthew Billings, I love you. I am so excited to marry you and spend everyday with you. Please be patient with me - this kind of relationship is new to me and I'm sorry I don't handle each situation as best as I could, but I believe our love can create miracles and bring us both more happiness than imaginable. Thank you for being you and please never forget how much this girl - YOUR girl - loves you.