Maybe I Should Just Wear Black

I find it incredibly ironic how such a beautiful and happy occasion such as a wedding can cause the ugliest and nonessential drama for everyone involved.  Matt and I should've just drove to Vegas and got hitched by Elvis long ago, but instead we chose to try to incorporate our families into the wedding and what would you know, it's caused much more grief and pain than not.  I honestly believe that no good deed goes unpunished, especially when it comes to weddings.

I'm getting married to a wonderful man in a very short amount of time.  I'm supposed to be floating on air, eating rainbows and pooping butterflies.  Haha, ya, no way. Let's just say there are absolutely no butterflies coming out, just a huge stinky pile of crap.  I'm emotionally exhausted from all this retarded drama and misunderstandings in communication.  In my world, everything is black and white - are no 50 shades of gray. Yet I'm torn in two. Half of me says that my wedding is supposed to be the mormon "cookier-cutter" version where Matt and I get married in the Salt Lake City temple with the huge extended family pictures on the grounds and every other stereotypical detail that goes along with that just because that's what is expected of me.  The other half of me says to screw it all and do what makes Shanette genuinely happy, even if that means offending anyone and everyone, disappointing my parents, and not doing the "cookie-cutter" version.  So which do I do?  There's no gray area here, just black and white.  

Well I'm pleased to announce that I have decided to be true to myself and have a wedding that may not be completely in line with mormon traditions. Before you harshly judge me and accuse me of every vile deed out there, please understand that this is the best decision for Matt and I at the time and it does make me happy.  I mean, let's be honest here - so far I have lived the "cookie-cutter" mormon life where I went to BYU and am getting married at a young age.  How well exactly has this been working out for me lately?  NOT WELL AT ALL.  I know I have a wonderful life that thousands of people are envious of, but this just isn't the right life for me.  I need something different. I need to take a break for a while, clear my head, and then move far, far away from any and all mormons I know.  I'm tired of the judging,  I'm tired of the accusations, and I'm tired of the pressure to do things that I don't even believe in.  Please, just give me break. 

I have a gorgeous dropped-waist, pure white wedding dress hanging in my doorway right now.  I have never owned such an expensive piece of clothing nor anything that even compares to its beauty, but at the rate that things are going now, I might as well just wear a little black dress to match the rest of my "messed up" wedding.  I'm happy that I'm being true to who I am but sad about all the negative effects that go with it.  I hope that all my friends will still love me enough as a person to come to my receptions and respect me enough to understand that I am a strong, independent girl who makes her own decisions regardless of what others may think. I'm happy with my decision and I'm so grateful for this opportunity to get married to such a wonderful person that I love with all my heart. 

Besides, black makes you look slimmer than you really are.  Also, I won't have to worry about getting it dirty. Hmmm, maybe I should just wear black... 

Snapped

Well since I have a reputation for being WAY too overly honest on my blog, I thought I might as well keep it up and keep y'all entertained...  To all my friends who are reading this, I'm not going to lie to you. I have snapped, and not in a good way.  Just as a rubber band snaps when stretched too far, I have mentally snapped after being stretched way, way too far this semester. And when I say snapped, it's not like "losing your patience with a child" snapped but rather "I'm  not sure of what I believe in anymore" snapped.

I want to begin with a disclaimer:  I know my life is wonderful. From the outside looking in, it looks to be picture perfect. How could anything be wrong?  I am living the life that millions long for, yet I cannot for the life of me be happy.  I believe this is my character flaw though - learning to be happy in this life.  Everyone has seen a huge change in me in the last few years and it has gotten to a point where I am being advised daily to seek help to improve my attitude towards life.  I hate hearing this so incredibly, flippin' much.  I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling like I'm mentally unstable.  I hate seeking and accepting help because I'm independent.  And above all else, I hate putting Matt through this.  Remarkably, he hasn't left me yet. And he won't leave me, even though I've pushed him away every single day of our relationship, because he truly loves me and can see the Shanette that once existed.  NO other man would have stayed with me through all this crap and I am so grateful that God gave me him at this time when I needed a true and loyal friend the most.

There's just been too much on my mind lately. I'm constantly worrying about my future, such as if I will get a job after graduating from BYU, if I'll get accepted into the UT Public Health Masters program and what I will do if I don't.  I'm stressed about getting married and all the stupid and ridiculous Mormon pressures that come along with it. Warning to ALL - don't be surprised if Matt and I don't have the typical Mormon wedding. Truthfully, I just don't want it. And truthfully, some days I wonder if this is really the right thing for me.  If it was the right thing, when why are all these problems hitting me at the exact same time, to a point where I just  couldn't handle it anymore and snapped?  Why are things falling apart right before my eyes and I'm helpless to stop it?  Am I really meant to marry Matt?  Are these problems a sign that I'm not supposed to marry him or are they just trials to make Matt and I stronger together?  These are but a few of the gazillions of questions racing through my mind every single day... and I just can't handle it anymore. I need a break.

Today on Facebook, a friend posted something that helped me out though with some of my questions.  It was a post about how love and relationships follow the exact same cycle: in the beginning you fall in love with your partner and cannot get enough of them. As time goes on though, all the things that you "loved" now begin to annoy you and the euphoria of love begins to fade away.  This is usually the point where people ask, "Am I with the right person?".  Well, maybe the key to a relationship isn't finding the right person... maybe it's learning to love the person you found.

I took a marriage prep class last semester where the overall theme of the class was to point out that you can have a happy and successful marriage with anyone, its just going to take some more time and effort with some people more than others.  I use to believe in soul-mates, but now that idea makes me laugh. I believe there are many "a" right choices, but when you marry someone, they become "the" right choice.  I would like to believe that Matt is "the" right choice for me and maybe the fact that he is staying with me through my "snapping" is an answer to some my questions. Life is just super frustrating right now and I feel incredibly overwhelmed.

Sorry to go on a stupid rant yet again, but it does help just writing crap like this down.  I don't write this to worry anyone (no, I am not suicidal or anything like that...), I just have a hard time being happy and seeing the positive side of life.  Pretty darn sure I'm actually the human form of Grumpy Cat.  I hope though that the help that I have sought will help me return back to my normal self and give Matt the Shanette that he deserves.  I just tell him that "if a man can't handle me at my worst, he sure as hell doesn't deserve me at my best". Well put Marilyn, well put.

So to end, I may not know what all  I believe in anymore, but I do know that I believe in love and the power of unconditional love in healing a soul. I'm so grateful for Matt and his unconditional love. A word to the wise: "Choose your love; love your choice".