Now I Know Why People Dread Moving

Hey y'all!  It's been an insanely crazy busy last few weeks for Matt and myself.  I really haven't been on the computer and therefore social media too much recently just because there isn't enough time!  There's a lot of good on Facebook, but there's also a lot of bad and frankly, I'm quite tired of seeing it, so I'm trying to spend more time on the blog and document Matt and I's adventures when I get the chance.  This post is all about our big move back to TEXAS and my new understanding of why people dread moving so much.  Now I understand just how much it really sucks...

If you don't know or don't remember, Matt and I are newly-weds, meaning we really don't have that much stuff to move.  Or at least I thought we didn't. But it really seemed like we did. I graduated from BYU on Friday, April 25th and we were planning on driving back to Texas the next Tuesday and Wednesday. I needed to be back in town for an interview I had on Thursday so I was really stressed out about making it back in time for the interview.  With the help of my parents and in-laws, our apartment was all packed up and ready to go in two days.

Majority of our stuff in the living room.

Someone wasn't stressing over anything... 

The truck all packed and ready to go!

 As the truck was pulling away Monday morning, Matt turned to me and said, "There goes our life Sweetie."  I replied with, "Maybe, but my world is standing right next to me."

Matt had to work Monday so I stayed home and finished cleaning/packing.  I was starting to feel really sick and really sad about leaving our first home.  We truly loved living in American Fork with Matt's Aunt and Uncle and I feeling super sentimental until I noticed that it was snowing outside... Yep, of course it would snow the last day I was in Utah.... Just solidifying the fact that I belong in Texas.

Tuesday morning Matt and I packed up the last few remaining items and started the drive home.  At the start of our two day drive, both of our windshields got cracked and I came down with the flu.  Travelling while sick with the flu was awful - I felt so sick and just wanted to sleep but I knew I had to get back for the interview Thursday so I pushed through.  Wednesday I was just so sick that we went to an urgent care center and spent over 2 hours just waiting to see the doctor and then spent another hour getting my prescription.  The doctor thought that I just had strep throat and gave me and antibiotic and a steroid to help with the symptoms.  Turns out that when you have the flu, a steroid is the LAST thing you want to take because it actually makes the symptoms worse. At least I had gorgeous scenery to take my mind off my throbbing throat and running nose.

Matt leading the way out of Utah for good!

I've waited SO LONG to see this sign!

West Texas

Matt's car in my rear view mirror and my graduation tassel :)

My front seat travel companion!

So even though it was super stressful and I was incredibly sick, we made it back and I got the job.  I love Texas and I'm SO grateful to be back in God's Country.  And just as an FYI to everyone who thinks that Texas is all desert, dried up and ugly...

Texas is GREEN!  NO cacti!  These pictures are not photo-shopped or re-touched in any way so STOP saying that Texas is just one huge desert because, as you can see, it's rather quite gorgeous.  

My favorite scene in the entire world is a huge green field with a big red barn and an old white plantation house with a porch that wraps around the entire house.  Matt said I can have all of that here. I love being in Texas, I know this is where I belong, and I can't wait to build a life here with my best friend. 

Question Everything

As much as others might disagree due to my love of fashion and clothing, I'm a huge nerd.  Like honestly, I would rather watch Star Wars or LOTR any night instead of a chick flick (just ask Matt), my favorite board game is Cranium, I love reading and above all else, I LOVE SCIENCE.  Yes my friends, I absolutely love science. I love it - all of it - and I cannot get enough of it.  I want more of it and I want to share it.

Back in September of 1980, Carl Sagan, a famous astrophysicist, wrote and narrated a scientific TV series called Cosmos.  This year, the same series is being aired again just by a different astrophysicist.  I recently read a short article called "The Brilliance of "Cosmos" - Seth MacFarlane Uses His Power for Good".  The author states that he is impressed with this "new" TV series because it's so unlike all the other crap that is found on prime time TV. "Cosmos is exhilarating.  It makes you feel the way you feel when you sit in an open field looking up at the stars, feeling like part of something much bigger than yourself, and also very small". How true this is. I love how this series is actually teaching thought-provoking concepts in unique and interesting ways. The purpose is to make people think and I can think of no greater good that could ever come from a TV show than giving the gift of knowledge. "TV spends too much time celebrating people whose greatest ambition is to be famous. Each week Cosmos celebrates a different science teacher doing the often-unheralded work that needs doing for our civilization to continue".  How awesome is that?!?  Just another reason why this show rocks.

In one month I will be a graduated Microbiologist.  I have spent the last 4 years of my life studying biology, physics, and way more chemistry than I'd like.  It was A LOT of work (holy crap, the hardest thing I've ever accomplished in my life) but I love my major and I love the classes I took to get my degree. In fact, I wish I could've taken more Biology classes, but I guess that's what bookstores are for right?  

So why on earth would I write a bunch of posts about how much I hate BYU but then admit that I actually enjoyed majority of my classes?  Here's why:  I love learning.  I love new ideas and concepts. I love thinking.  I hate studying useless facts.  I hate memorizing.  And I LOATHE tests.  I do not agree with the school system at all.  BYU taught me how to study, memorize, and fail at exams.  How is that considered "learning"?!?  No, learning is not about cramming for a stupid test and then forgetting all the information at the end of the semester.  No, learning is about thinking about new concepts and ideas, making connections with known concepts and then questioning everything.  Yep, that's right, question everything. 

The overall idea of "Cosmos" is to question everything and I couldn't agree more.  We would not be where we are today with the amazing technology and knowledge we have if previous scientists were not bold and brave enough to question everything.  

I absolutely love this picture because of how it beautifully combines the human eye and a galaxy.  It's beautiful and so thought provoking.  You and I are made up of the exact same stuff the universe is made up of - how cool is that?   I'm so done with the school system, but I'm so not done learning.  I'm grateful for science and the joy that it brings to me everyday and for the opportunity I had to get an education in the thing that I love most (other than Matt).  Watch Cosmos, think about the concepts and ideas it presents, and above all else, never stop questioning. 

Welcome to the Fishbowl

Thanksgiving is less that one week away and the thing that I am most grateful for - yep, you guessed it - is the nearing end of the semester! Two more weeks then finals.  One more semester then graduation. I got this. I can do this. I don't think anyone is more grateful though than my Mom who has listened to me complain about BYU for four years now. She seriously deserves a Nobel Peace Prize or something.

Now I know what you're thinking, and before you get your knickers in a knot, I didn't write this blog post to complain to you about BYU but rather to express some feelings I have about graduating and what I've learned in the last 4 years.  I'm going to attempt to keep a cool head about it but please know that this stuff has great meaning to me and I think this is a good way more people will understand my disposition towards my soon to be my alma mater. 

Hopefully you've seen this cartoon at least once, probably on the Facebook wall of a teacher or something.  Did you ever give it much thought when you first saw it? Were you always the monkey or even lucky enough to be the bird in school?  Well I'm the fish.  Actually, I'm the fish in the bowl in a sealed box on a boat in the middle of the ocean.  And what was I told to do?  To climb that tree. 

You're probably thinking, "That can't be true Shanette! You're majoring in Microbiology! That must mean you're smart!"  False.  It does NOT mean I'm smart, it just means that I work REALLY, REALLY hard at it.  That's what it means.  There are brilliant (I mean literally genius!) kids in my classes that make me feel like I need to enroll in special education classes instead of my microbiology ones.  These people are the monkeys and birds.  They literally fly through their classes passing everyone up and ruining curves along the way.  I'm so jealous of them.  It seems like they have everything - a social life, a family, a good job, multiple acceptance letters to medical schools, and a great future whereas I'm still stuck in my bowl in the box on the boat.  

After 4 years at BYU, I've learned two things:

1) I'm not as smart as I thought I was

2) I'm not good enough for medical school  

Let me expound.  I'm not smart enough in the way that the school and education system want me to be smart enough in.  In their eyes, I'm a worthless fish and they only want monkeys and birds. 

I'm so disappointed in myself.  It makes me sad to think that I won't be able to do the thing that I've wanted to do for my whole life.  I'm exhausted of this stupid educational system and I'm so tired of being embarrassed in front of my classmates during class when I get called out about not knowing something that appears to be "common knowledge".  Fine, I get it.  I have a new dream now - getting a 9-5 job that I can come home from and just watch TV all night long.  No more homework and no more school.  I hope now you understand why these past few years have been so hard on me and I won't get any more "pity" comments about how sad it is that I'm so miserable and that I should just be happy where I am.  You might have been the monkey, but I'm the fish.

Thankfully though there's a place for fish too - it's just not at medical school.  But maybe that's a good thing.  I mean, if I can't stand the education system now, it's not going to get any better while in medical school right? I wouldn't say that I'm technically unhappy about it, but I'm just not ready to be happy about it. 

When I graduate in April, I'll start a job and put Matt through school.  Maybe one day I'll pursue that Master's in Public Health that I want.  Until then though, I'll just keep swimming. 

People That Fit

Me: "So I went to the gym today..."

Matt: "And how was that?"

Me: "Well, on my one side, I had the uber pregger mom-to-be trying to prevent unnecessary weight gain, and on the other side I had the exhausted new mother who just gave birth and is now trying to burn off the "baby" fat."

Matt: "That's Utah for ya."

Me: "And then there's me, who goes to the gym because I actually enjoy it.  I just don't fit in here honey."

Matt: "It doesn't matter beautiful, because you fit in right next to me." 

I've heard it been said that the first year of marriage is one of the most difficult times in a couples life together.  Now I'm not sure if that's due to small stuff such as sharing the sheets equally at night or bigger issues such as what family traditions are kept and practiced for the Holidays.  Either way though, disagreements are bound to happen and when they do it can be a challenge in of itself to talk about your challenges with each other.  One of my current challenges is living in a place that I despise more than anything. I hate Utah, I hate the horrible driving, and above all else, I hate the people here.  I just don't fit in here.  So if the first year of marriage is already one of the most challenging times for a couple, how much more challenging do you think it is spending the first year of marriage in a place that both of you don't particularly like? (To put it nicely, that is.)  Let's just say there are so
many days that I feel like we are single-handedly starting WWIII.

But then there are other days, as quoted in the above conversation, where I don't think life could get any better.  While in the middle of one of our many disagreements, Matt and I shared how we both felt like we have disappointed our families and have both been coined the "failure" of all the children, so to say.  That really got me thinking, because in my eyes, there is no way in hell that Matt is a failure of any kind.  Sure he makes mistakes and I can assure you that he me more angry than any other being in the universe, but it's all worth it because he and I both found a place where we fit in perfectly.  I know exactly where my place is and he knows exactly where his place is - by each other's side.  That lead me to think that maybe that's our own definition of love.  We both have never really fit in anywhere until we found each other, then all of a sudden life had so much more meaning and it didn't matter where we were or what we were doing as long as we were with each other.   No, Matt could never be a failure to me.  He's too... perfect. Maybe there's more to love than just sharing sheets and family traditions. Maybe everyone has a different definition of love, and when you find someone who has the same definition of love as you, then you call it falling in love.  Maybe Matt and I fell in love because we feel like we finally found a place where we belong.  Maybe instead of saying, "I love you" to each other, the greater compliment would be to say "I fit with you".

Or maybe I'm just full of crap and have no idea what I'm talking about.  Haha, ya, that sounds about right. But if by some small chance I am right, then what's your definition of love?

On Being Married...

A few months ago I wrote a post titled "On Being Engaged..." that expressed how much I hated being engaged. Well lets just say it got way more attention than I anticipated and I'm sure many people got the absolute wrong idea about me and my relationship with Matt. At the time I wrote it, I was incredibly frustrated with school, depressed from all the snow, and just missing Matt more than is healthy. To be honest, I just really, really wanted to be married, and so I wanted to write a so called "sequel" to my previous post with a more positive outlook called...

 Why Being Married Rocks

I would like to start with a disclaimer - I haven't been married for that long, but in the short time that I have been Mrs. Matt Billings, I would like to think I have a very small taste of what married life is like (without kids - thank heavens!) and so far, it rocks.

1.) No more goodbyes.  The absolute WORST thing about dating is saying goodbye at the end of the night and going your separate ways.  Now don't get me wrong, some nights it was actually a relief that I got to send Prince Charming home because he was driving me absolute bonkers, but majority of the time saying goodbye was the hardest part of the day... er, night.  Whatever. I use to tell people that Matt and I's relationship was defined by "goodbyes", since we had a long distance relationship and to every wonderful "hello" there was a sad and depressing "goodbye" that always managed to make my mascara run. Well after the "I do's", the only "goodbye" I say is when he goes to work, and that's nothing compared to the previous goodbyes.  No more kisses on the doorstep - only kisses goodnight while he's holding me tight in our bed.

2.) I got myself a hott date EVERY weekend.  Matt is HOTT.  Like dang hott. And I'm a very lucky girl in the fact that I get to go on a date with him every weekend.  My dating years seemed to have a pattern of either feast or famine when it came to getting dates - I would have a date every weekend for a few months and then I would have nothing for double the amount of time.  It was frustrating, especially when I went to BYU expecting dates all the time and NEVER got asked out. (that's right folks, I was the girl who went to BYU and never got one date, but that's another story for another post).  It rocks to have a so-called built in date every weekend.  Even if it is just sitting at home having a Harry Potter marathon and baking cookies, it's still wonderful to know you have plans every weekend that are not watching sappy chick flicks with your roommates and then planning your perfect future wedding on Pinterest.

3.) No more thoughts about breaking up.  This one is entirely me...  During the year that Matt and I dated, he thought of breaking things off with me ONCE. That's it, just once. Incredible.  Being the heartless person I can be, I can honestly say that I thought about breaking it up with him many, many times - typically after a fight or I felt like I wasn't getting enough attention.  When I married Matt, I pretty much said, "This is it Shanette.  Either it works or you make it work." No more thoughts about "breaking it off" with Matt.  Some may say this is a con to being married, but in my opinion its a most definite pro.  I know that no matter how bad things may get, both of us are willing to sit down and work it out.  There's no going back on this and there is no end to our relationship.

4.)  Sex.  Ok, don't freak out!  I won't go into explicit detail, but just know that it's good. Really, really good.  There are so many health benefits to having sex - better blood pressure, less stress, better sleep, smaller chance of prostate cancer - and so much more.  It's such a wonderful thing that gets degraded WAY too much and people just need to calm down about it.  I used to think that there was only one kind of sex - that lustful kind, ya know, that kind that you see in all the movies  where people can't keep their hands to themselves because the other is so dang hott (like Matt is).  Well I was wrong.  There's another kind of sex that is more mental than physical and we have it just to feel close to each other. It's wonderful. Like, I just can't put it into words.  Sex is good my friends.

There are so many other things that I could write about but these are the truly wonderful things about being married that I love and I know that you have a life you need to get back to so I'll wrap things up.  I'm so grateful for the opportunity I had to get married at such a young age and I'm so happy that I get to spend the rest of my life with Matt.  Please know that it's not always sunshine and daisies for us though, because we do fight, in fact ALL the time, but we fight for each other even more than we fight with each other and that's what keeps us together. I'm sure that if Matt and I were to make a Pro/Con list for the other, his list would have many more cons than pros.  All in all, I couldn't be happier.  Perhaps all the frustrations I had while being engaged were worth for what I got in the end. I love you Matt.

Mrs. Matthew Billings

I know that many, if not all, of my previous posts have included a certain special someone to me named Matt Billings, but I want to dedicate this post completely to him, as he has quite recently and literally became my world, my reason for living, and my husband.

When Matt and I first started dating, I told him that I wanted a man that wouldn't stand in front of me or behind me but rather a man who would stand right beside me, holding my hand and looking at our future together straight in the eye.  I found that man, or rather, that man found me.  I can't even quantify how much crap I have dished out to him in the last year (and especially the last few months), yet he has been so forgiving and loving and, by some miracle of God, has not left me yet.  I honestly do not deserve this man.


One year ago, I was little Miss Independent - a girl who didn't need a man and could take on the world all by herself.  Today, I can't picture my life without Matt.  I used to roll my eyes at the people who said that they were looking for their "missing piece"... what did that even mean anyway?  I think I may understand just a little bit more of what they meant now. At least to me, it means I finally found that person who makes me want to be better than I am.  I found that person who I unconditionally love more than myself.  I found that person who I have bonded with on such a deep and complex level that no other soul has ever know. Matt has pretty much become the only person I care to talk to or hang out with and it doesn't matter what I call him - best friend, missing piece, better half - they all have the same meaning, which is that he is ALL mine.

No words can express the amount of gratitude I have for Matt and for his willingness to put up with me.  I'm not easy to live with and I am certainly not the most patient of people.  Sometimes I am just in awe of how this relationship (half of the entire time being long-distance) has actually worked out and survived all the storms.  I believe it's because of our bond and the foundation that we have laid together.  There's something there that connects me to him and him to me. There's something that we both feel deep down that confirms that the other is what we have been looking for and I know that I would be an idiot if I gave him up.  All my life I've longed for a man who I could give all my love and devotion to and Matt is that man.  In fact, he returns all the love and devotion I give him ten-fold.  How many men do you know that do that?  He is so good to me and I love the fact that I NEVER have to worry about him cheating on me, or worry about him lying to me, or worry about him drinking, smoking, gambling, or deserting  me.  He is such a good man and I first fell in love with that goodness.

I know that no one can quite understand our relationship like Matt and I do, but I want everyone to know  that the foundation of our relationship is our dedication to each other.  We both agree that we get one chance at marriage and that's it. There is no divorce for us (we don't even say that word in our house). There is no re-marrying for us. We are NOT giving up on each other because we know that there is nothing we can't work through together.  I love this about Matt, more than his green eyes or soft kisses, I love that I have someone that I can depend upon and trust completely with my heart.  He is my better half, the piece that completes me, and my husband. I love him. I need him. I live for him. My life finally has purpose - to love him with everything I've got. I can do that for the rest of my life, no problem.

The song "Next To Me" by Emeli Sande describes the kind of man Matt is perfectly.  I posted some lines below, but encourage you to go listen to the entire song if you haven't heard it already.  If I didn't know any better, I would think she wrote this song because of Matt.

"You won't find him drinking at the table, rolling dice and staying out 'til three

You won't every find him be unfaithful, you will find him, you'll find him next to me.

You won't find him tryna chase the devil, for money, fame, for power, out of greed,

You won't ever find him where the rest go, you will find him, you'll find him next to me. 

When the skies are grey and all the doors are closing, and the rising pressure makes it hard to breathe,

When all I need's a hand to stop the tears from falling, I will find him, I'll find him next to me.

When the end has come and buildings falling down fast, when we've spoilt the land and dried up all the sea,

When everyone has lost their heads around us, you will find him, you'll find him next to me."

I'm proud to call myself Mrs. Matthew Billings. I look forward to our beautiful future ahead of us and all the memories we will create together. I love you Matt with all my heart. Thank you for all you have done for me and blessing my life in every way possible.

Maybe I Should Just Wear Black

I find it incredibly ironic how such a beautiful and happy occasion such as a wedding can cause the ugliest and nonessential drama for everyone involved.  Matt and I should've just drove to Vegas and got hitched by Elvis long ago, but instead we chose to try to incorporate our families into the wedding and what would you know, it's caused much more grief and pain than not.  I honestly believe that no good deed goes unpunished, especially when it comes to weddings.

I'm getting married to a wonderful man in a very short amount of time.  I'm supposed to be floating on air, eating rainbows and pooping butterflies.  Haha, ya, no way. Let's just say there are absolutely no butterflies coming out, just a huge stinky pile of crap.  I'm emotionally exhausted from all this retarded drama and misunderstandings in communication.  In my world, everything is black and white - are no 50 shades of gray. Yet I'm torn in two. Half of me says that my wedding is supposed to be the mormon "cookier-cutter" version where Matt and I get married in the Salt Lake City temple with the huge extended family pictures on the grounds and every other stereotypical detail that goes along with that just because that's what is expected of me.  The other half of me says to screw it all and do what makes Shanette genuinely happy, even if that means offending anyone and everyone, disappointing my parents, and not doing the "cookie-cutter" version.  So which do I do?  There's no gray area here, just black and white.  

Well I'm pleased to announce that I have decided to be true to myself and have a wedding that may not be completely in line with mormon traditions. Before you harshly judge me and accuse me of every vile deed out there, please understand that this is the best decision for Matt and I at the time and it does make me happy.  I mean, let's be honest here - so far I have lived the "cookie-cutter" mormon life where I went to BYU and am getting married at a young age.  How well exactly has this been working out for me lately?  NOT WELL AT ALL.  I know I have a wonderful life that thousands of people are envious of, but this just isn't the right life for me.  I need something different. I need to take a break for a while, clear my head, and then move far, far away from any and all mormons I know.  I'm tired of the judging,  I'm tired of the accusations, and I'm tired of the pressure to do things that I don't even believe in.  Please, just give me break. 

I have a gorgeous dropped-waist, pure white wedding dress hanging in my doorway right now.  I have never owned such an expensive piece of clothing nor anything that even compares to its beauty, but at the rate that things are going now, I might as well just wear a little black dress to match the rest of my "messed up" wedding.  I'm happy that I'm being true to who I am but sad about all the negative effects that go with it.  I hope that all my friends will still love me enough as a person to come to my receptions and respect me enough to understand that I am a strong, independent girl who makes her own decisions regardless of what others may think. I'm happy with my decision and I'm so grateful for this opportunity to get married to such a wonderful person that I love with all my heart. 

Besides, black makes you look slimmer than you really are.  Also, I won't have to worry about getting it dirty. Hmmm, maybe I should just wear black...