Welcome to the Fishbowl

Thanksgiving is less that one week away and the thing that I am most grateful for - yep, you guessed it - is the nearing end of the semester! Two more weeks then finals.  One more semester then graduation. I got this. I can do this. I don't think anyone is more grateful though than my Mom who has listened to me complain about BYU for four years now. She seriously deserves a Nobel Peace Prize or something.

Now I know what you're thinking, and before you get your knickers in a knot, I didn't write this blog post to complain to you about BYU but rather to express some feelings I have about graduating and what I've learned in the last 4 years.  I'm going to attempt to keep a cool head about it but please know that this stuff has great meaning to me and I think this is a good way more people will understand my disposition towards my soon to be my alma mater. 

Hopefully you've seen this cartoon at least once, probably on the Facebook wall of a teacher or something.  Did you ever give it much thought when you first saw it? Were you always the monkey or even lucky enough to be the bird in school?  Well I'm the fish.  Actually, I'm the fish in the bowl in a sealed box on a boat in the middle of the ocean.  And what was I told to do?  To climb that tree. 

You're probably thinking, "That can't be true Shanette! You're majoring in Microbiology! That must mean you're smart!"  False.  It does NOT mean I'm smart, it just means that I work REALLY, REALLY hard at it.  That's what it means.  There are brilliant (I mean literally genius!) kids in my classes that make me feel like I need to enroll in special education classes instead of my microbiology ones.  These people are the monkeys and birds.  They literally fly through their classes passing everyone up and ruining curves along the way.  I'm so jealous of them.  It seems like they have everything - a social life, a family, a good job, multiple acceptance letters to medical schools, and a great future whereas I'm still stuck in my bowl in the box on the boat.  

After 4 years at BYU, I've learned two things:

1) I'm not as smart as I thought I was

2) I'm not good enough for medical school  

Let me expound.  I'm not smart enough in the way that the school and education system want me to be smart enough in.  In their eyes, I'm a worthless fish and they only want monkeys and birds. 

I'm so disappointed in myself.  It makes me sad to think that I won't be able to do the thing that I've wanted to do for my whole life.  I'm exhausted of this stupid educational system and I'm so tired of being embarrassed in front of my classmates during class when I get called out about not knowing something that appears to be "common knowledge".  Fine, I get it.  I have a new dream now - getting a 9-5 job that I can come home from and just watch TV all night long.  No more homework and no more school.  I hope now you understand why these past few years have been so hard on me and I won't get any more "pity" comments about how sad it is that I'm so miserable and that I should just be happy where I am.  You might have been the monkey, but I'm the fish.

Thankfully though there's a place for fish too - it's just not at medical school.  But maybe that's a good thing.  I mean, if I can't stand the education system now, it's not going to get any better while in medical school right? I wouldn't say that I'm technically unhappy about it, but I'm just not ready to be happy about it. 

When I graduate in April, I'll start a job and put Matt through school.  Maybe one day I'll pursue that Master's in Public Health that I want.  Until then though, I'll just keep swimming. 

People That Fit

Me: "So I went to the gym today..."

Matt: "And how was that?"

Me: "Well, on my one side, I had the uber pregger mom-to-be trying to prevent unnecessary weight gain, and on the other side I had the exhausted new mother who just gave birth and is now trying to burn off the "baby" fat."

Matt: "That's Utah for ya."

Me: "And then there's me, who goes to the gym because I actually enjoy it.  I just don't fit in here honey."

Matt: "It doesn't matter beautiful, because you fit in right next to me." 

I've heard it been said that the first year of marriage is one of the most difficult times in a couples life together.  Now I'm not sure if that's due to small stuff such as sharing the sheets equally at night or bigger issues such as what family traditions are kept and practiced for the Holidays.  Either way though, disagreements are bound to happen and when they do it can be a challenge in of itself to talk about your challenges with each other.  One of my current challenges is living in a place that I despise more than anything. I hate Utah, I hate the horrible driving, and above all else, I hate the people here.  I just don't fit in here.  So if the first year of marriage is already one of the most challenging times for a couple, how much more challenging do you think it is spending the first year of marriage in a place that both of you don't particularly like? (To put it nicely, that is.)  Let's just say there are so
many days that I feel like we are single-handedly starting WWIII.

But then there are other days, as quoted in the above conversation, where I don't think life could get any better.  While in the middle of one of our many disagreements, Matt and I shared how we both felt like we have disappointed our families and have both been coined the "failure" of all the children, so to say.  That really got me thinking, because in my eyes, there is no way in hell that Matt is a failure of any kind.  Sure he makes mistakes and I can assure you that he me more angry than any other being in the universe, but it's all worth it because he and I both found a place where we fit in perfectly.  I know exactly where my place is and he knows exactly where his place is - by each other's side.  That lead me to think that maybe that's our own definition of love.  We both have never really fit in anywhere until we found each other, then all of a sudden life had so much more meaning and it didn't matter where we were or what we were doing as long as we were with each other.   No, Matt could never be a failure to me.  He's too... perfect. Maybe there's more to love than just sharing sheets and family traditions. Maybe everyone has a different definition of love, and when you find someone who has the same definition of love as you, then you call it falling in love.  Maybe Matt and I fell in love because we feel like we finally found a place where we belong.  Maybe instead of saying, "I love you" to each other, the greater compliment would be to say "I fit with you".

Or maybe I'm just full of crap and have no idea what I'm talking about.  Haha, ya, that sounds about right. But if by some small chance I am right, then what's your definition of love?

On Being Married...

A few months ago I wrote a post titled "On Being Engaged..." that expressed how much I hated being engaged. Well lets just say it got way more attention than I anticipated and I'm sure many people got the absolute wrong idea about me and my relationship with Matt. At the time I wrote it, I was incredibly frustrated with school, depressed from all the snow, and just missing Matt more than is healthy. To be honest, I just really, really wanted to be married, and so I wanted to write a so called "sequel" to my previous post with a more positive outlook called...

 Why Being Married Rocks

I would like to start with a disclaimer - I haven't been married for that long, but in the short time that I have been Mrs. Matt Billings, I would like to think I have a very small taste of what married life is like (without kids - thank heavens!) and so far, it rocks.

1.) No more goodbyes.  The absolute WORST thing about dating is saying goodbye at the end of the night and going your separate ways.  Now don't get me wrong, some nights it was actually a relief that I got to send Prince Charming home because he was driving me absolute bonkers, but majority of the time saying goodbye was the hardest part of the day... er, night.  Whatever. I use to tell people that Matt and I's relationship was defined by "goodbyes", since we had a long distance relationship and to every wonderful "hello" there was a sad and depressing "goodbye" that always managed to make my mascara run. Well after the "I do's", the only "goodbye" I say is when he goes to work, and that's nothing compared to the previous goodbyes.  No more kisses on the doorstep - only kisses goodnight while he's holding me tight in our bed.

2.) I got myself a hott date EVERY weekend.  Matt is HOTT.  Like dang hott. And I'm a very lucky girl in the fact that I get to go on a date with him every weekend.  My dating years seemed to have a pattern of either feast or famine when it came to getting dates - I would have a date every weekend for a few months and then I would have nothing for double the amount of time.  It was frustrating, especially when I went to BYU expecting dates all the time and NEVER got asked out. (that's right folks, I was the girl who went to BYU and never got one date, but that's another story for another post).  It rocks to have a so-called built in date every weekend.  Even if it is just sitting at home having a Harry Potter marathon and baking cookies, it's still wonderful to know you have plans every weekend that are not watching sappy chick flicks with your roommates and then planning your perfect future wedding on Pinterest.

3.) No more thoughts about breaking up.  This one is entirely me...  During the year that Matt and I dated, he thought of breaking things off with me ONCE. That's it, just once. Incredible.  Being the heartless person I can be, I can honestly say that I thought about breaking it up with him many, many times - typically after a fight or I felt like I wasn't getting enough attention.  When I married Matt, I pretty much said, "This is it Shanette.  Either it works or you make it work." No more thoughts about "breaking it off" with Matt.  Some may say this is a con to being married, but in my opinion its a most definite pro.  I know that no matter how bad things may get, both of us are willing to sit down and work it out.  There's no going back on this and there is no end to our relationship.

4.)  Sex.  Ok, don't freak out!  I won't go into explicit detail, but just know that it's good. Really, really good.  There are so many health benefits to having sex - better blood pressure, less stress, better sleep, smaller chance of prostate cancer - and so much more.  It's such a wonderful thing that gets degraded WAY too much and people just need to calm down about it.  I used to think that there was only one kind of sex - that lustful kind, ya know, that kind that you see in all the movies  where people can't keep their hands to themselves because the other is so dang hott (like Matt is).  Well I was wrong.  There's another kind of sex that is more mental than physical and we have it just to feel close to each other. It's wonderful. Like, I just can't put it into words.  Sex is good my friends.

There are so many other things that I could write about but these are the truly wonderful things about being married that I love and I know that you have a life you need to get back to so I'll wrap things up.  I'm so grateful for the opportunity I had to get married at such a young age and I'm so happy that I get to spend the rest of my life with Matt.  Please know that it's not always sunshine and daisies for us though, because we do fight, in fact ALL the time, but we fight for each other even more than we fight with each other and that's what keeps us together. I'm sure that if Matt and I were to make a Pro/Con list for the other, his list would have many more cons than pros.  All in all, I couldn't be happier.  Perhaps all the frustrations I had while being engaged were worth for what I got in the end. I love you Matt.

Mrs. Matthew Billings

I know that many, if not all, of my previous posts have included a certain special someone to me named Matt Billings, but I want to dedicate this post completely to him, as he has quite recently and literally became my world, my reason for living, and my husband.

When Matt and I first started dating, I told him that I wanted a man that wouldn't stand in front of me or behind me but rather a man who would stand right beside me, holding my hand and looking at our future together straight in the eye.  I found that man, or rather, that man found me.  I can't even quantify how much crap I have dished out to him in the last year (and especially the last few months), yet he has been so forgiving and loving and, by some miracle of God, has not left me yet.  I honestly do not deserve this man.


One year ago, I was little Miss Independent - a girl who didn't need a man and could take on the world all by herself.  Today, I can't picture my life without Matt.  I used to roll my eyes at the people who said that they were looking for their "missing piece"... what did that even mean anyway?  I think I may understand just a little bit more of what they meant now. At least to me, it means I finally found that person who makes me want to be better than I am.  I found that person who I unconditionally love more than myself.  I found that person who I have bonded with on such a deep and complex level that no other soul has ever know. Matt has pretty much become the only person I care to talk to or hang out with and it doesn't matter what I call him - best friend, missing piece, better half - they all have the same meaning, which is that he is ALL mine.

No words can express the amount of gratitude I have for Matt and for his willingness to put up with me.  I'm not easy to live with and I am certainly not the most patient of people.  Sometimes I am just in awe of how this relationship (half of the entire time being long-distance) has actually worked out and survived all the storms.  I believe it's because of our bond and the foundation that we have laid together.  There's something there that connects me to him and him to me. There's something that we both feel deep down that confirms that the other is what we have been looking for and I know that I would be an idiot if I gave him up.  All my life I've longed for a man who I could give all my love and devotion to and Matt is that man.  In fact, he returns all the love and devotion I give him ten-fold.  How many men do you know that do that?  He is so good to me and I love the fact that I NEVER have to worry about him cheating on me, or worry about him lying to me, or worry about him drinking, smoking, gambling, or deserting  me.  He is such a good man and I first fell in love with that goodness.

I know that no one can quite understand our relationship like Matt and I do, but I want everyone to know  that the foundation of our relationship is our dedication to each other.  We both agree that we get one chance at marriage and that's it. There is no divorce for us (we don't even say that word in our house). There is no re-marrying for us. We are NOT giving up on each other because we know that there is nothing we can't work through together.  I love this about Matt, more than his green eyes or soft kisses, I love that I have someone that I can depend upon and trust completely with my heart.  He is my better half, the piece that completes me, and my husband. I love him. I need him. I live for him. My life finally has purpose - to love him with everything I've got. I can do that for the rest of my life, no problem.

The song "Next To Me" by Emeli Sande describes the kind of man Matt is perfectly.  I posted some lines below, but encourage you to go listen to the entire song if you haven't heard it already.  If I didn't know any better, I would think she wrote this song because of Matt.

"You won't find him drinking at the table, rolling dice and staying out 'til three

You won't every find him be unfaithful, you will find him, you'll find him next to me.

You won't find him tryna chase the devil, for money, fame, for power, out of greed,

You won't ever find him where the rest go, you will find him, you'll find him next to me. 

When the skies are grey and all the doors are closing, and the rising pressure makes it hard to breathe,

When all I need's a hand to stop the tears from falling, I will find him, I'll find him next to me.

When the end has come and buildings falling down fast, when we've spoilt the land and dried up all the sea,

When everyone has lost their heads around us, you will find him, you'll find him next to me."

I'm proud to call myself Mrs. Matthew Billings. I look forward to our beautiful future ahead of us and all the memories we will create together. I love you Matt with all my heart. Thank you for all you have done for me and blessing my life in every way possible.

Maybe I Should Just Wear Black

I find it incredibly ironic how such a beautiful and happy occasion such as a wedding can cause the ugliest and nonessential drama for everyone involved.  Matt and I should've just drove to Vegas and got hitched by Elvis long ago, but instead we chose to try to incorporate our families into the wedding and what would you know, it's caused much more grief and pain than not.  I honestly believe that no good deed goes unpunished, especially when it comes to weddings.

I'm getting married to a wonderful man in a very short amount of time.  I'm supposed to be floating on air, eating rainbows and pooping butterflies.  Haha, ya, no way. Let's just say there are absolutely no butterflies coming out, just a huge stinky pile of crap.  I'm emotionally exhausted from all this retarded drama and misunderstandings in communication.  In my world, everything is black and white - are no 50 shades of gray. Yet I'm torn in two. Half of me says that my wedding is supposed to be the mormon "cookier-cutter" version where Matt and I get married in the Salt Lake City temple with the huge extended family pictures on the grounds and every other stereotypical detail that goes along with that just because that's what is expected of me.  The other half of me says to screw it all and do what makes Shanette genuinely happy, even if that means offending anyone and everyone, disappointing my parents, and not doing the "cookie-cutter" version.  So which do I do?  There's no gray area here, just black and white.  

Well I'm pleased to announce that I have decided to be true to myself and have a wedding that may not be completely in line with mormon traditions. Before you harshly judge me and accuse me of every vile deed out there, please understand that this is the best decision for Matt and I at the time and it does make me happy.  I mean, let's be honest here - so far I have lived the "cookie-cutter" mormon life where I went to BYU and am getting married at a young age.  How well exactly has this been working out for me lately?  NOT WELL AT ALL.  I know I have a wonderful life that thousands of people are envious of, but this just isn't the right life for me.  I need something different. I need to take a break for a while, clear my head, and then move far, far away from any and all mormons I know.  I'm tired of the judging,  I'm tired of the accusations, and I'm tired of the pressure to do things that I don't even believe in.  Please, just give me break. 

I have a gorgeous dropped-waist, pure white wedding dress hanging in my doorway right now.  I have never owned such an expensive piece of clothing nor anything that even compares to its beauty, but at the rate that things are going now, I might as well just wear a little black dress to match the rest of my "messed up" wedding.  I'm happy that I'm being true to who I am but sad about all the negative effects that go with it.  I hope that all my friends will still love me enough as a person to come to my receptions and respect me enough to understand that I am a strong, independent girl who makes her own decisions regardless of what others may think. I'm happy with my decision and I'm so grateful for this opportunity to get married to such a wonderful person that I love with all my heart. 

Besides, black makes you look slimmer than you really are.  Also, I won't have to worry about getting it dirty. Hmmm, maybe I should just wear black... 

Snapped

Well since I have a reputation for being WAY too overly honest on my blog, I thought I might as well keep it up and keep y'all entertained...  To all my friends who are reading this, I'm not going to lie to you. I have snapped, and not in a good way.  Just as a rubber band snaps when stretched too far, I have mentally snapped after being stretched way, way too far this semester. And when I say snapped, it's not like "losing your patience with a child" snapped but rather "I'm  not sure of what I believe in anymore" snapped.

I want to begin with a disclaimer:  I know my life is wonderful. From the outside looking in, it looks to be picture perfect. How could anything be wrong?  I am living the life that millions long for, yet I cannot for the life of me be happy.  I believe this is my character flaw though - learning to be happy in this life.  Everyone has seen a huge change in me in the last few years and it has gotten to a point where I am being advised daily to seek help to improve my attitude towards life.  I hate hearing this so incredibly, flippin' much.  I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling like I'm mentally unstable.  I hate seeking and accepting help because I'm independent.  And above all else, I hate putting Matt through this.  Remarkably, he hasn't left me yet. And he won't leave me, even though I've pushed him away every single day of our relationship, because he truly loves me and can see the Shanette that once existed.  NO other man would have stayed with me through all this crap and I am so grateful that God gave me him at this time when I needed a true and loyal friend the most.

There's just been too much on my mind lately. I'm constantly worrying about my future, such as if I will get a job after graduating from BYU, if I'll get accepted into the UT Public Health Masters program and what I will do if I don't.  I'm stressed about getting married and all the stupid and ridiculous Mormon pressures that come along with it. Warning to ALL - don't be surprised if Matt and I don't have the typical Mormon wedding. Truthfully, I just don't want it. And truthfully, some days I wonder if this is really the right thing for me.  If it was the right thing, when why are all these problems hitting me at the exact same time, to a point where I just  couldn't handle it anymore and snapped?  Why are things falling apart right before my eyes and I'm helpless to stop it?  Am I really meant to marry Matt?  Are these problems a sign that I'm not supposed to marry him or are they just trials to make Matt and I stronger together?  These are but a few of the gazillions of questions racing through my mind every single day... and I just can't handle it anymore. I need a break.

Today on Facebook, a friend posted something that helped me out though with some of my questions.  It was a post about how love and relationships follow the exact same cycle: in the beginning you fall in love with your partner and cannot get enough of them. As time goes on though, all the things that you "loved" now begin to annoy you and the euphoria of love begins to fade away.  This is usually the point where people ask, "Am I with the right person?".  Well, maybe the key to a relationship isn't finding the right person... maybe it's learning to love the person you found.

I took a marriage prep class last semester where the overall theme of the class was to point out that you can have a happy and successful marriage with anyone, its just going to take some more time and effort with some people more than others.  I use to believe in soul-mates, but now that idea makes me laugh. I believe there are many "a" right choices, but when you marry someone, they become "the" right choice.  I would like to believe that Matt is "the" right choice for me and maybe the fact that he is staying with me through my "snapping" is an answer to some my questions. Life is just super frustrating right now and I feel incredibly overwhelmed.

Sorry to go on a stupid rant yet again, but it does help just writing crap like this down.  I don't write this to worry anyone (no, I am not suicidal or anything like that...), I just have a hard time being happy and seeing the positive side of life.  Pretty darn sure I'm actually the human form of Grumpy Cat.  I hope though that the help that I have sought will help me return back to my normal self and give Matt the Shanette that he deserves.  I just tell him that "if a man can't handle me at my worst, he sure as hell doesn't deserve me at my best". Well put Marilyn, well put.

So to end, I may not know what all  I believe in anymore, but I do know that I believe in love and the power of unconditional love in healing a soul. I'm so grateful for Matt and his unconditional love. A word to the wise: "Choose your love; love your choice".

Little Things

Last night as I was walking back to my apartment from my Pilates class, I had my earphones in blasting "Radioactive" and thinking about what I was going to eat for a snack when I looked up to the sky and froze in place.  For the first time in months I actually saw stars in the sky.  These huge burning balls of gas millions of miles away looked like little glittering diamonds beautifully placed on a navy blue canvas from where I stood.  I wish I could tell you exactly how much that sight meant to me.  I wish I could find the words that would do justice as to how full of gratitude my heart was for just the few minutes I had to soak in that beautiful night sky. I wish I could see that every night, like I use to back home...

Blaise Pascal said "Little things console us because little things afflict us."  To many people, the cold, snow, and winter weather in general do not have any effect on their lives.  In fact, many people actually love it.  I am not one of these people. In fact, I am the furthest thing away from these type people. Snow might be a consoling "little thing" to others, but to this girl, it a very afflicting "little thing".  This winter has been very difficult for me and I don't think there is anything that depresses me more than a snow cloud covered sky and the earth turning white before my eyes.  It literally makes me cry when its snows, and no, they're not tears of happiness...

Today was a miracle.  Today it was sunny with a crystal clear blue sky and 40 degrees.  What a blessing the blue sky is! What a blessing sunshine is!  To others, this might be the smallest and most minor detail of their busy day, but to this girl, it completely made her day.  I saw many miracles today - I found a bridesmaid dress in the size I've desperately been searching for, volunteered at the nursing home and met a man who has been married to his sweetheart for 63 years, and had my very first Valentine's Day date-night with my very own sweetheart.  Overall, it was one of the better days I've had in Provo.  But none of these miracles compare to the miracle of a warm, sunny day with a clear blue sky after a month and a half of snow and dreary winter weather. It's so sad how we take things for granted until they disappear.

Wanna know what I dream about at night?  Laying in a huge open field, under the beautiful Texas summer night sky and gazing at the stars with Matt at my side.  Yep, sounds like paradise to me. Just take a minute and look at the stars and for every star you count, give one "little thing" you are grateful for.

On Being Engaged...

Well guess who's back in Provo, Utah and hating life once again???  Yep, this girl. And once again, I returned by myself, leaving my fiancee back home in Dallas.  Not going to lie to y'all, saying goodbye after 3 weeks of Christmas break was THE most difficult goodbye I've ever had to say. I don't think I've ever cried that much over a single word in my entire life... Needless to say, it was horrible and very emotionally tolling.

I hate having a long-distance engagement. I honestly don't know how people do it and I have the greatest respect for military wives. This morning I was procrastinating doing my 400 level Virology homework and stumbled across a blog of a Mormon girl who wrote about how crappy her engagement was.  As ironic as this sounds, it was exactly what I needed to read and is what inspired this post.  Disclaimer:  I do not write this to be disrespectful in any way and yes, I do love my fiancee with all my heart.  So buckle up kids for what is probably my most depressing post ever...

Why Being Engaged Sucks

1.)  Long-Distance.  Let's start off with the obvious shall we?  My fiancee and I live in two different states, separated by exactly 1,198.2 miles - roughly 1,200 miles.  This means that we barely get to see each other.  Let's be honest here - engaged couples are those super annoying people that have to be touching constantly and somehow manage to block out the rest of the world when showing Public Displays of Affection (which is ALL the time!).  I'm as guilty as charged, but so far out of my entire engagement, I've had only 4 weeks to do that with Matt. Call me crazy, but sometimes I feel as if I'm not having a real engagement. Who knows, maybe I'm just jealous.  But it sucks being engaged at BYU without your fiancee. I swear, those couples pop out of the snow like daisies... They're everywhere!

2.)  School.  If there is ANYTHING I've learned while getting my Bachelor's degree, it's that I loathe school. More than anything.  The stress of homework, quizzes, midterms and finals just does me in completely and knocks me to the ground every day.  I'm not happy while I'm at school and planning-a-wedding stress on top of school stress, well let's just say some mornings it's a miracle I actually climb out of bed.  Matt and I's entire engagement is unfortunately over a school year and no, it has not been a fun experience. This is my most difficult school year of my undergrad - I just keep telling myself that if I can make it through this, I can make it through anything. 

3.)  A long engagement time.  OK so this one was my fault completely.  Matt and I got engaged at the tail end of September and our wedding is in June.  I'll do the math for you - 8 MONTHS.  Yes my friends, a Mormon engagement that is 8 months long - that's unheard of! But here's my reasoning:  I wanted to date the man I was going to marry for at least a year, and for us, that was June. Also, I was raised on the movie Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and in it there is a scene where the girls are in their underwear and sing the song that says "they say when you marry in June, you're a bride all your life".  Haha, ya, ever since being a little girl, I've always wanted to get married in June because of that movie.  Unfortunately, I did not foresee the engagement being this difficult, at least for me.  I should've married Matt in December - it would have been a million times better.  If you ask me in a year, I'll probably say our engagement was 8 months too long.

4.) Winter.  So I have self-diagnosed myself as being the horrible victim of SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder.  It's also more commonly known as winter depression syndrome.  I have never liked the cold. Ever. And snow is pretty much my worst nightmare (next to organic chemistry). I swear, if there is even one snowflake in heaven, I'm choosing hell because at least I'll be warm.  This winter in Provo has been the coldest yet. There has been more snow than I've ever seen with temperatures in the teens for the last two weeks. It's miserable walking to class - freezing even though you're wearing literally 5 layers, slipping on ice, getting your jeans wet from snow and then having to peel off every layer when you get to class and trying to shove everything under your desk and make it fit. Not fun my friends, but very entertaining to watch someone else struggle with.  These are the deadest, ugliest months of the year and somehow it's making the engagement just drag on.  I'm convinced that if I were to be engaged over the summer, it would have floated by like a dream.

5.) Not living with my fiancee.  I'm just going to put it out there - I'm incredibly jealous of the couples that live together while being engaged. I can only imagine how much happier I would be if I got to go home to Matt every night and be comforted while being in his arms.  It's not fun trying to work around 2 hectic schedules, but that's why this reason leads to...

6.) Sexual tension.  Can you feel it???  'Cause I can!  Us Mormons, being the very "unique" people we are, do not have any sexual relations before getting married.  Regardless of my own personal beliefs in this, I have chosen to stay sexually clean until we are married, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't suck!  This is horrible!  Ya, i'm sorry Mom if you are reading this but it's true.  All I study is biology and sex is a normal human function.  Humans crave it and I'm 100% human.  Don't worry though Mom, if I really wanted to do it then I would have already done it. Only 5 months to go - joy. 

Of all the people I have talked too about being engaged and getting married, about 95% of them have said that the engagement is the worst part.  100% of them said though that it will be unimaginably better once Matt and I are married.  I want you all to know that I do love Matt with all my heart and I cannot wait to marry him.  This is not an easy time in my life and I am genuinely looking forward to the ending of this chapter.  Marriage will be a fun adventure - I just pray I can make it till then.

Even though it took me a very long time to make the decision, I've never been so sure of anything in my life. I have no doubts that marrying Matt Billings is the right thing for me to do. When I think of the future, I feel joy, peace, and overwhelming calmness and assurance.  I am so excited for June 14th, 2013 when I finally get to marry and be sealed to my best friend for all time and eternity.