A Change of Heart

Now that I've caught my breathe, here's the condensed version of what's happened to Shanette in just the last few weeks:  on September 29, 2012 (the day I turned 21), my boyfriend flew up to Provo, surprised me in my apartment with 2 dozen roses, and then proposed to me - one knee on the ground - with a stunning 1.25 carat diamond ring in the middle of a cornfield at a fall carnival. I still can't believe that I am now engaged to a man who had never even once crossed my mind as a potential husband. Oh the ironies of life... I never believed the people who told me that love would find me when I least expected it and with the least likely person until it actually happened to me. Now I'm living proof of it.

Where he proposed...

Ok, so of course I have mixed feelings about this.  Yes, I love this man more than anything, and yes this is something that I've always dreamed about but never thought possible, and yes I've turned into one of those couples that I hate but you know what?  I'm happy.  Like genuinely happy.  I am so so blessed and God is too good to me - I do not deserve Matt in any way and I know that there are 999 other girls out there that could make him a million times happier than I ever can or ever will, yet he loves me with all his heart and even wants to marry me... I am honestly the luckiest girl in the world. However, I keep wondering if I am really ready for this big step.  Shanette, you will be sealed to ONE man for the rest of eternity............ is this really what you want?

When the engagement became public, many of my friends brought to my attention the vows I had previously made about NEVER getting married. Haha, ya that kinda came back and bit me in the butt.  So to each of you that I have said this to and are reading this post, here is my simple answer: I've had a change of heart.  Pre-Matt, I had no commitment to any man and so I just floated from guy to guy, moving on when I got bored. I was happy being single with no commitments and LOVED the idea of doing whatever I wanted with my life just because I could. I loved not have anything or anyone tying me down.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that Matt is tying me down in any way, but since I started dating him, I've had a complete change in opinion about marriage.  Maybe marriage really isn't that bad of a thing, if you you've found the right guy. I guess I was so anti-marriage because of the countless examples of bad marriages I have seen.  I guess I didn't believe there was such a thing as a happy marriage... until I found Matt. Now I believe that I can have a happy and successful marriage.  Our relationship is in no way perfect and I swear, every night we each tick each other off more than anyone else ever could, but neither one of us has broken it off even though there has been ample opportunities to.  I'm curious as to where this could go.  I'm scared to death and don't think I'll make a great wife but I'm going to give it all I got and pray it's enough to keep him in love with me. 

Having a 1200 mile long-distance relationship is one of the most difficult trials I've ever had, but it's also been the most rewarding gift I've ever been given.  "So it's not going to be easy.  It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you.  I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me...everyday."  I couldn't have said it better myself.  Matthew Billings, I love you. I am so excited to marry you and spend everyday with you. Please be patient with me - this kind of relationship is new to me and I'm sorry I don't handle each situation as best as I could, but I believe our love can create miracles and bring us both more happiness than imaginable. Thank you for being you and please never forget how much this girl - YOUR girl - loves you.